Back To Basics
I have had an emotional, introspective couple of weeks delving into my past to learn more about my present self. It's sad....and profound....how things in childhood endure and have such a huge impression on your adult life. People say to let go, but the feelings and insecurities of past childhood shadows return; so it's either you learn from it or let it break you. I've decided I am going to learn.....
What have I learned? I think too fast sometimes. And then I act. And usually I am acting on "what I interpeted about a situation" rather than what really happened. And usually my reaction is steeped deep in one of my many insecurities. Like in email. I will try to write out a reply to something I read, but realize later that I was replying to something I thought I read, not to what I actually read. Ugh.
Basically, I don't know how to listen well.
And I certainly don't know how to listen well to a certain someone who
has patiently and lovingly and consistently attempted to show his caring for me and his commitment to being part of my spanking journey.....and my life in general.
In perfect hindsight, I realize now that this certain someone was/is an amazing communicator. He has always told me everything I ever needed to know about what he felt for me, and how best to navigate my way through the hills and valleys of my journey into spanking . I couldnt have asked for a better tour guide.
Reading through his past emails now, my eyes newly opened, many of them leave me gritting my teeth in frustration, or feeling ashamed of myself. So many times, after taking the time to write an email in an attempt to placate my fears, comfort me, reassure me (yet again) that I was cared for; he would be reluctant witness to my "reactive" launch off onto another "bipolar episode" fueled solely by who-knows-what insecurity or self doubt, without seriously considering what he had *actually* said to me. He is analysis, reason. I simply pull the strongest emotion, like a rabbit from a hat, and run with it.
I can see more clearly now that his feelings for me have been real and constant since the very beginning. I, on the other hand, fearing rejection yet again, have been all over the place with my feelings for him. Some days I allowed myself to care for him without restraint, safe in the knowledge he would always be there for me; some days I didn't, for fear that he would abandon me. Some days, I didn't know where I was.
My biggest error has been to have assumed that his feelings were of the same erratic makeup as mine. Especially annoying was my habit of disregarding the things that he told me in favor of what I *thought* he meant. I didn't understand that when he tells me something, he has already thought it out carefully beforehand, so he really means what he says. He isnt just talking to hear himself talk.
I rarely think my actions through, so why would I assume that anyone else does?
Basically, my insecurities and fear of rejection have managed to control my life. And have affected my ability to grow. And my exploration of my kink. And the relationships with the people I hold the most dear.
Yes, the introspection I went through was good and needed and fruitful.....you can see how it has begun to open my eyes. There is freedom and catharsis and healing.
So it is with the thought of that certain someone in mind that I write this post.
Because I am listening. Maybe not then, but now. I am listening now. And I am actually hearing *you*, not just what I think is you. It is time to circle the spanking wagons and remind myself what this is all about.
I guess you can call this a "back to the basics of spanking" change of focus. Because although my journey is challenging, and thought provoking, and growth inspiring......it is also fun. And magical. At least it should be. And I need to get back to the spanking basics to relish in the things that I enjoy.....no, make that... *love* ....about my kink. Because there is alot to love. And alot to savor.
The journey to realizing your spanking fantasies can be rewarding, and the destination fulfilling. And if you have the right tour guide? Well, then the experience is downright thrilling :)
So it is time that I savor the fact that I am a naughty one. A naughty one, who in her journey to realize her spanking fantasies/needs/wants has found what she truly enjoys...things to make her swoon.
What have I learned? I think too fast sometimes. And then I act. And usually I am acting on "what I interpeted about a situation" rather than what really happened. And usually my reaction is steeped deep in one of my many insecurities. Like in email. I will try to write out a reply to something I read, but realize later that I was replying to something I thought I read, not to what I actually read. Ugh.
Basically, I don't know how to listen well.
And I certainly don't know how to listen well to a certain someone who
has patiently and lovingly and consistently attempted to show his caring for me and his commitment to being part of my spanking journey.....and my life in general.
In perfect hindsight, I realize now that this certain someone was/is an amazing communicator. He has always told me everything I ever needed to know about what he felt for me, and how best to navigate my way through the hills and valleys of my journey into spanking . I couldnt have asked for a better tour guide.
Reading through his past emails now, my eyes newly opened, many of them leave me gritting my teeth in frustration, or feeling ashamed of myself. So many times, after taking the time to write an email in an attempt to placate my fears, comfort me, reassure me (yet again) that I was cared for; he would be reluctant witness to my "reactive" launch off onto another "bipolar episode" fueled solely by who-knows-what insecurity or self doubt, without seriously considering what he had *actually* said to me. He is analysis, reason. I simply pull the strongest emotion, like a rabbit from a hat, and run with it.
I can see more clearly now that his feelings for me have been real and constant since the very beginning. I, on the other hand, fearing rejection yet again, have been all over the place with my feelings for him. Some days I allowed myself to care for him without restraint, safe in the knowledge he would always be there for me; some days I didn't, for fear that he would abandon me. Some days, I didn't know where I was.
My biggest error has been to have assumed that his feelings were of the same erratic makeup as mine. Especially annoying was my habit of disregarding the things that he told me in favor of what I *thought* he meant. I didn't understand that when he tells me something, he has already thought it out carefully beforehand, so he really means what he says. He isnt just talking to hear himself talk.
I rarely think my actions through, so why would I assume that anyone else does?
Basically, my insecurities and fear of rejection have managed to control my life. And have affected my ability to grow. And my exploration of my kink. And the relationships with the people I hold the most dear.
Yes, the introspection I went through was good and needed and fruitful.....you can see how it has begun to open my eyes. There is freedom and catharsis and healing.
So it is with the thought of that certain someone in mind that I write this post.
Because I am listening. Maybe not then, but now. I am listening now. And I am actually hearing *you*, not just what I think is you. It is time to circle the spanking wagons and remind myself what this is all about.
I guess you can call this a "back to the basics of spanking" change of focus. Because although my journey is challenging, and thought provoking, and growth inspiring......it is also fun. And magical. At least it should be. And I need to get back to the spanking basics to relish in the things that I enjoy.....no, make that... *love* ....about my kink. Because there is alot to love. And alot to savor.
The journey to realizing your spanking fantasies can be rewarding, and the destination fulfilling. And if you have the right tour guide? Well, then the experience is downright thrilling :)
So it is time that I savor the fact that I am a naughty one. A naughty one, who in her journey to realize her spanking fantasies/needs/wants has found what she truly enjoys...things to make her swoon.