Killing Me Softly
I am not the kind of masochist who likes to be used. I don't like to be slapped cruelly, degraded, treated like an animal... called a whore. My form of masochism is a different breed of masochism... it has a softer side...it is tied to approval... acceptance... unconditional love, but I can't seem to give it an appropriate name.
Do you want me to feel pain? Do you want me to suffer? Tell me you care about me... call me your little girl... then tell me you are disappointed in me... that you "didn't raise me that way"... and then watch my heart bleed.
It's about killing me softly.
In my relationship with Professor I am many things; friend, mentee, fellow kinkster, student, confidant... spankee. And I am also something else... Naughty One. His Naughty One.
It is this part of me... this seemingly small but very important part that is, for lack of a more descriptive word, my keystone. It is this part that supports the weight of the whole... the part that absorbs the pressure of the rest...the key that keeps me in place. It is my "inner me".
It is a part that is cloistered away deep inside... small and hidden from everyone but Professor... and at times, can be so needful that it influences my behavior, alters my perceptions, effects my daily life.
I have always felt like some sort of fractured being... that there were several distinct "me's". At times I could be strong, fearless, confident... adult like... in charge and ready to take on the world. At other times I was weak, vulnerable... child like and I never seemed to be able to reconcile the parts.
The vulnerable part? My "inner me". The part that craves acceptance. Discipline. Unconditional love. The part that fuels my need for a father figure. And it is this part that is directly tied to my form of masochism. I want to be a good girl. I want to be good in order to win Professor's esteem.
There is so much more that I want to say... need to explore... but I am tired and sore. I am well punished, forgiven and reflective. Today was as much emotional and psychological as it was physical.
I want to talk more about my spanking journey... the way it has been woven from fabric based partly in fantasy and partly in real emotional need. I want to talk more about the Disciplinarian who has taken a mutual desire for spanking and used it as a tool to provide a stable and loving environment within which his Naughty One could finally grow up. But I am spent and my thoughts are disorganized. They need to be thinned out a bit before they are ready for reader consumption, and I am much too tired to do it now.
I think I'll go to bed instead.
Like a good girl.
Do you want me to feel pain? Do you want me to suffer? Tell me you care about me... call me your little girl... then tell me you are disappointed in me... that you "didn't raise me that way"... and then watch my heart bleed.
It's about killing me softly.
In my relationship with Professor I am many things; friend, mentee, fellow kinkster, student, confidant... spankee. And I am also something else... Naughty One. His Naughty One.
It is this part of me... this seemingly small but very important part that is, for lack of a more descriptive word, my keystone. It is this part that supports the weight of the whole... the part that absorbs the pressure of the rest...the key that keeps me in place. It is my "inner me".
It is a part that is cloistered away deep inside... small and hidden from everyone but Professor... and at times, can be so needful that it influences my behavior, alters my perceptions, effects my daily life.
I have always felt like some sort of fractured being... that there were several distinct "me's". At times I could be strong, fearless, confident... adult like... in charge and ready to take on the world. At other times I was weak, vulnerable... child like and I never seemed to be able to reconcile the parts.
The vulnerable part? My "inner me". The part that craves acceptance. Discipline. Unconditional love. The part that fuels my need for a father figure. And it is this part that is directly tied to my form of masochism. I want to be a good girl. I want to be good in order to win Professor's esteem.
There is so much more that I want to say... need to explore... but I am tired and sore. I am well punished, forgiven and reflective. Today was as much emotional and psychological as it was physical.
I want to talk more about my spanking journey... the way it has been woven from fabric based partly in fantasy and partly in real emotional need. I want to talk more about the Disciplinarian who has taken a mutual desire for spanking and used it as a tool to provide a stable and loving environment within which his Naughty One could finally grow up. But I am spent and my thoughts are disorganized. They need to be thinned out a bit before they are ready for reader consumption, and I am much too tired to do it now.
I think I'll go to bed instead.
Like a good girl.