Essence of a girl

If fears what makes us decide

Our future journey,
I'm not along for the ride,

Cuz I'm still yearning,
To try and touch the sun,

My fingers burning,
Before you're old you are young,

Yeah I'm still learning.

I'm standing out in the street,
The earth is moving,
I feel it under my feet,
And I'm still proving,
That I can stand my ground.

I am falling down,
Try and stop me,
It feels so good to hit the ground,
You can watch me,
Fallin on my face,
It's an uphill human race,
and I am falling down.

You know, I suppose I should stop calling myself a girl. Most adult women hate the term "girl". They feel that it is degrading. I mean, I am an adult and with all of my new revelations about life, the universe and everything, surely I am well on my way to growing up.

But am I?

As I sit here in my "earth girls are easy" t-shirt, my converse sneakers kicked off on the floor at my feet, absently playing with the stack of multi colored jelly braceletts around my wrist while listening to Death Cab and quoting Avril Lavigne in my blog, I am not too sure about that.

I think there is alot of "girl" in me. And I dont think she is going away.

Did I think that by having all of those revelations and admitting all that stuff to myself.....by trying to "learn from my childhood rather than letting it break me" that I would wake up and be an adult? And think "adult type" thoughts? Maybe I did. And maybe its just a little more complicated than that.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about my new blog and in talking, she made the comment that the style is almost comic book like. The comment was poignant. Well, she didnt make it to be poignant, she was talking about my blog....but it was for me.

Poignant because I wonder if I am putting on my super girl cape as a way of recovering from taking such an open and honest look at myself the last couple of weeks. The "superhero look" to show myself and the world, that I am strong. Regardless of my open announcement that I have very vulnerable, little girl needs....I am strong. A typical coping mechanism for me actually :)

And also, poignant beause the blog style is very much.....me.

Comix...skates....music blasting so loud in my car that I am sure to go deaf....belly button rings....converse sneakers....my passion for schoolgirl-like plaid skirts.....my love of roller coasters....the way I live life with an intensity that leaves the people around me feeling breathless.....it is all me. The essence of me.

Am I afraid of growing old? I dont think so. I just think I will always be a girl. It is who I am. Maybe I am a young soul. Maybe the damage done in childhood has left me in a youthful headspace that I will never recover from. Maybe it is a combination of all of it. But its me. Just me. And no amount of introspection or revelation is going to take that basic essence away.

I want to be a grown up. A grown up in the sense that I dont act out, and that I have the ability to take responsibilites for my actions. Those grown up aspects....I want those. Wife, lover, mother, friend, confidant, community leader, student, super hero......those are all grown up aspects of me. And I am proud of all of them.

But when I look in the mirror, despite all of that, I still see the girl.

My essence.

I will always be the whimsical, perpetual teenager... struggling to grow into herself...
haphazardly... intensely... impulsively... the girl who throws herself headlong into things
without looking...who lives joyously...who always seems to find trouble...the girl who plays intensely...who thinks too much...who falls down...the girl who loves spanking...who wants to touch the sun...the sometimes insecure girl who needs to know everything will be okay....

I wonder. Is it possible to be a "Big girl" and a "little girl" at the same time?