Commenting on Comments
I promised myself I wouldn't do this.
I promised myself that I wouldn't engage in/give validity to or stoop down and jump into the fray concerning comments that contain destructive criticism.
I have been around enough to know that by choosing to volley, by voluntarily jumping into the mud-filled gutter... the purpose of one's writing...the reason for putting one's self out there in the first place.... becomes lost, taking second stage to the inevitable death spiral of accepted social standards of decorum as the general readership becomes hostage to the vicious but usually pointless, caps-lock-on barrage of sniper attacks.
And with that said, I am rolling up my pant legs and jumping in :)
A wise man told me that all of us will be criticized at one time or other. We will be criticized for reaching goals, sharing our faith, taking a stand, not compromising our principles, for doing too much, for not doing enough......for putting ourselves out there.
The criticism will be there. It is important to understand where it is coming from and to determine what to do with it when it comes our way. Professor told me that. Sage advice I think.
I would be a liar if I stated I "enjoyed" criticism. But can I learn from it? Yes.
However, there is a fine line between learning from a critique that has merit, and being a door mat. And so, my own personal internal response to criticism will vary depending upon the source, the issue being criticized, timing, and my overall assessment of the underlying motivation.
The biggest problem with electronic communication vs. a face to face interaction? The misinterpretations that result from hasty posts, the offense taken by ill chosen phrases....the lack of physical cues.
When two people meet face to face, they can read the reaction to their words and try to explain or modify a remark depending on the effect it has had on another.
And then add in the "anonymity" factor. Personally, I have a problem with anonymous comments....good and bad. There is no basis....no "history" or essence of the person behind the post with which to balance the written comment itself.
Simply put, it doesn't give me enough information for me to decide exactly what to do with it.
When it is a good comment, I am left with a half sort of vague-ish good feeling mainly because I would love to have a "persona" to hang it on. Its back to that need for information thing again. Words carry much more weight when you know who delivered them.
When it is a negative comment left by the ever illusive "anonymous"? Its the road rage of the information highway.
Someone in their 4 door, all leather interior "anonymous" alias inevitably feels it is okay to give you the finger after stopping to turn around in your driveway.
I wonder if that driver would act the same way if he were on foot...and had a face to face with the person receiving his gesture. Would he display such a lack of....humanity... if he were looking them in the eye...one human being to another?
Could he stand up to the scrutiny of others watching the exchange? Would he *own* the gesture he made?
Think about it this way:
Imagine I move into the neighborhood and I open my doors to people and invite them in...to share a bit of my life...to share some of *me*. I give you access to parts of my house...I put myself out there a bit.
And for whatever reason, you don't like me...you don't approve of my choice of wallpaper..you think shag carpets went out in the 70's....you abhor linoleum....whatever.
So, you are quick to make a judgment about me and the rest of my house, and you feel you have the right to express yourself because after all, I invited you in.
And one night you creep into my yard and scrawl Naughty One Sucks! in huge pink letters on the side of my garage for everyone to see. And the next day I go out and I see what you have written...and it feels like someone kicked me in the stomach.
And I have to spend the time washing it off.....feeling pretty confused..and I don't even know who you are because you didn't leave your name.
And then two weeks later, you do it again. And then a week or so later, you do it again. And finally, I put up an electrified fence and buy a big ass watch dog thus blocking you and everyone else access.....and now no one can write on my walls anymore.
But you don't just limit your graffiti to my garage. You go around with your can of spray paint and write your messages on other people's walls too.
I can't do anything about that though. I can't even help my neighbors wash their walls off. But I can add my own message....in an attempt to negate yours, so that my neighbors don't feel bad when they wake up and see "You and your house sucks!" scrawled across their front porch.
And pretty soon the whole neighborhood is divided....and people stop talking about the things that made them part of the neighborhood in the first place. Actually, people stop talking altogether.
And then I happen to look down the street...and I see your house. And funny....you haven't marked up your own walls. And I wonder about that. You haven't filled up your walls with messages of hate or nasty remarks....or judgments based on "perceived" understanding.
I wonder if your graffiti would be different if you only had your walls to use as your canvas. Would you be a little less rude for fear that it would drive your visitors away?
You see, your graffiti forms a part of your overall picture. And leaving it....in bits and pieces...all over the neighborhood...so you are dispersed over a large area, disperses that part of your overall picture too.
If someone put all of your graffiti in one location...in one spot...where it could be viewed...collectively...as a whole...what kind of picture would it portray?
What if someone could take all of the comments you have left....and rewrite them in pink spray paint, on your own walls....would your house be filled with vitriol and hatred...or would it be an balanced mixture of thoughtful praise and conscientious observations of the people and the world around you?
Criticism comes from people sharing common concerns or values, but different perspectives. And it allows for growth. How can I grow...become better.... if everyone around me tells me what I want to hear? I can't.
Constructive criticism allows us to make positive changes...it helps make us aware, to express caring, to motivate. Destructive criticism generates negative feelings. It is meant to humiliate and belittle...manipulate or control....blame or create guilt.
Another very wise person recently said that I should never waste time over criticism pointed at me in unsigned or "anonymous" letters. Unsigned comments indicate one of two things: the critic either didn't have enough conviction to put their name to it or the sole intent was to hurt, not help. Wise advice from Study Boy.
Wise advice from Professor and wise advice from Study Boy.
I am lucky that way. I have people around me that are very willing to shore me up... to support me... to tell me enough is enough when I go too far.... and to smack down those people who hurt me .
I have a support system...a select few who know *me*. Not the skater chick....not the leotard wearing, cape sporting super spanko girl who speeds through life listening to very loud....noise. People who really know me. Who know how difficult it has been for me to share aspects of myself. Like poiesia. ;)
This blog? Think of it as part of my house. And I have opened it and myself up to you. But understand that I am only giving you access to part of the first floor. It is only a *tiny* piece of the whole floor plan.
Let's say I am showing you the game room :).... and maybe a bit of the kitchen.
But certainly not enough for you to make an informed judgment about the rest of it or me for that matter. There are plenty of rooms that you haven't seen...and will never see.
Feel free to comment, criticize, construe, pontificate on the wallpaper, the decorating, whatever.... of *this* room. The spanking room.
And occasionally....other members of my household may pop by...they may peek their heads in the room and shout "hallo!"...but what you see, *your* perception....is just that. A perception. Do not pretend to understand them...or my relationship with them based on the brief visits you have had. Because your understanding is based on perceptions garnered from what I have shown you in this room...in the context of my spanking room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Anonymous, I misunderstood you and need to clear something up. You were right about my attention being focused on Professor. Within the context of this blog, all of my attention *is* focused on him and always has been.
You have been invited to share a glimpse of the game room, our spanking room...... and your hosts on this particular tour are, and always will be Professor and I.
I enjoy thoughtful discourse. Constructive criticism. Open dialogue. And of course, positive stuff :)
But terse comments littered with judgmental innuendo? Verbal grenades launched at a friend for responding with righteous indignation over concern for me?
No thank you. I am drawing my line in the sand. Why? Because it is the right thing to do. And because I can.
My house, my rules ;)
~Naughty One
I promised myself that I wouldn't engage in/give validity to or stoop down and jump into the fray concerning comments that contain destructive criticism.
I have been around enough to know that by choosing to volley, by voluntarily jumping into the mud-filled gutter... the purpose of one's writing...the reason for putting one's self out there in the first place.... becomes lost, taking second stage to the inevitable death spiral of accepted social standards of decorum as the general readership becomes hostage to the vicious but usually pointless, caps-lock-on barrage of sniper attacks.
And with that said, I am rolling up my pant legs and jumping in :)
A wise man told me that all of us will be criticized at one time or other. We will be criticized for reaching goals, sharing our faith, taking a stand, not compromising our principles, for doing too much, for not doing enough......for putting ourselves out there.
The criticism will be there. It is important to understand where it is coming from and to determine what to do with it when it comes our way. Professor told me that. Sage advice I think.
I would be a liar if I stated I "enjoyed" criticism. But can I learn from it? Yes.
However, there is a fine line between learning from a critique that has merit, and being a door mat. And so, my own personal internal response to criticism will vary depending upon the source, the issue being criticized, timing, and my overall assessment of the underlying motivation.
The biggest problem with electronic communication vs. a face to face interaction? The misinterpretations that result from hasty posts, the offense taken by ill chosen phrases....the lack of physical cues.
When two people meet face to face, they can read the reaction to their words and try to explain or modify a remark depending on the effect it has had on another.
And then add in the "anonymity" factor. Personally, I have a problem with anonymous comments....good and bad. There is no basis....no "history" or essence of the person behind the post with which to balance the written comment itself.
Simply put, it doesn't give me enough information for me to decide exactly what to do with it.
When it is a good comment, I am left with a half sort of vague-ish good feeling mainly because I would love to have a "persona" to hang it on. Its back to that need for information thing again. Words carry much more weight when you know who delivered them.
When it is a negative comment left by the ever illusive "anonymous"? Its the road rage of the information highway.
Someone in their 4 door, all leather interior "anonymous" alias inevitably feels it is okay to give you the finger after stopping to turn around in your driveway.
I wonder if that driver would act the same way if he were on foot...and had a face to face with the person receiving his gesture. Would he display such a lack of....humanity... if he were looking them in the eye...one human being to another?
Could he stand up to the scrutiny of others watching the exchange? Would he *own* the gesture he made?
Think about it this way:
Imagine I move into the neighborhood and I open my doors to people and invite them in...to share a bit of my life...to share some of *me*. I give you access to parts of my house...I put myself out there a bit.
And for whatever reason, you don't like me...you don't approve of my choice of wallpaper..you think shag carpets went out in the 70's....you abhor linoleum....whatever.
So, you are quick to make a judgment about me and the rest of my house, and you feel you have the right to express yourself because after all, I invited you in.
And one night you creep into my yard and scrawl Naughty One Sucks! in huge pink letters on the side of my garage for everyone to see. And the next day I go out and I see what you have written...and it feels like someone kicked me in the stomach.
And I have to spend the time washing it off.....feeling pretty confused..and I don't even know who you are because you didn't leave your name.
And then two weeks later, you do it again. And then a week or so later, you do it again. And finally, I put up an electrified fence and buy a big ass watch dog thus blocking you and everyone else access.....and now no one can write on my walls anymore.
But you don't just limit your graffiti to my garage. You go around with your can of spray paint and write your messages on other people's walls too.
I can't do anything about that though. I can't even help my neighbors wash their walls off. But I can add my own message....in an attempt to negate yours, so that my neighbors don't feel bad when they wake up and see "You and your house sucks!" scrawled across their front porch.
And pretty soon the whole neighborhood is divided....and people stop talking about the things that made them part of the neighborhood in the first place. Actually, people stop talking altogether.
And then I happen to look down the street...and I see your house. And funny....you haven't marked up your own walls. And I wonder about that. You haven't filled up your walls with messages of hate or nasty remarks....or judgments based on "perceived" understanding.
I wonder if your graffiti would be different if you only had your walls to use as your canvas. Would you be a little less rude for fear that it would drive your visitors away?
You see, your graffiti forms a part of your overall picture. And leaving it....in bits and pieces...all over the neighborhood...so you are dispersed over a large area, disperses that part of your overall picture too.
If someone put all of your graffiti in one location...in one spot...where it could be viewed...collectively...as a whole...what kind of picture would it portray?
What if someone could take all of the comments you have left....and rewrite them in pink spray paint, on your own walls....would your house be filled with vitriol and hatred...or would it be an balanced mixture of thoughtful praise and conscientious observations of the people and the world around you?
Criticism comes from people sharing common concerns or values, but different perspectives. And it allows for growth. How can I grow...become better.... if everyone around me tells me what I want to hear? I can't.
Constructive criticism allows us to make positive changes...it helps make us aware, to express caring, to motivate. Destructive criticism generates negative feelings. It is meant to humiliate and belittle...manipulate or control....blame or create guilt.
Another very wise person recently said that I should never waste time over criticism pointed at me in unsigned or "anonymous" letters. Unsigned comments indicate one of two things: the critic either didn't have enough conviction to put their name to it or the sole intent was to hurt, not help. Wise advice from Study Boy.
Wise advice from Professor and wise advice from Study Boy.
I am lucky that way. I have people around me that are very willing to shore me up... to support me... to tell me enough is enough when I go too far.... and to smack down those people who hurt me .
I have a support system...a select few who know *me*. Not the skater chick....not the leotard wearing, cape sporting super spanko girl who speeds through life listening to very loud....noise. People who really know me. Who know how difficult it has been for me to share aspects of myself. Like poiesia. ;)
This blog? Think of it as part of my house. And I have opened it and myself up to you. But understand that I am only giving you access to part of the first floor. It is only a *tiny* piece of the whole floor plan.
Let's say I am showing you the game room :).... and maybe a bit of the kitchen.
But certainly not enough for you to make an informed judgment about the rest of it or me for that matter. There are plenty of rooms that you haven't seen...and will never see.
Feel free to comment, criticize, construe, pontificate on the wallpaper, the decorating, whatever.... of *this* room. The spanking room.
And occasionally....other members of my household may pop by...they may peek their heads in the room and shout "hallo!"...but what you see, *your* perception....is just that. A perception. Do not pretend to understand them...or my relationship with them based on the brief visits you have had. Because your understanding is based on perceptions garnered from what I have shown you in this room...in the context of my spanking room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Anonymous, I misunderstood you and need to clear something up. You were right about my attention being focused on Professor. Within the context of this blog, all of my attention *is* focused on him and always has been.
You have been invited to share a glimpse of the game room, our spanking room...... and your hosts on this particular tour are, and always will be Professor and I.
I enjoy thoughtful discourse. Constructive criticism. Open dialogue. And of course, positive stuff :)
But terse comments littered with judgmental innuendo? Verbal grenades launched at a friend for responding with righteous indignation over concern for me?
No thank you. I am drawing my line in the sand. Why? Because it is the right thing to do. And because I can.
My house, my rules ;)
~Naughty One