Musings of an Approval Masochist
I was thinking about the fact that I am very stoic during a spanking. Actually, I am very stoic during the entire spanking scene. I listen carefully, try to do exactly what is expected of me, and genuinely take to heart whatever lesson is being taught during both punishment and roleplay.
Professor says that I am "approval masochist". That I seek his approval like another masochist might seek humiliation. I think that is pretty accurate. I especially get off on earning his approval after falling from grace. Strange, that.
I think my need to be a good girl in our dynamic is why I can take roleplay so seriously even though it isn't real. My feelings and need to please Professor are very real and transcend every situation, fantasy or not.
There are two very distinct sides to me. On one hand, I am reckless, independent, impulsive, rebellious... a "color outside the lines" sort... willingly challenging authority. And yet within the kink? I don't get any pleasure from resisting. I won't kick, scream... fight to keep my power. I willingly submit and it is freeing for me. I like the power exchange part of it and am perfectly happy not being in control for a while.
That being said, have I ever craved the chance to defy? To be openly defiant just to see what would happen? Yes. Have I ever wondered what it would be like to fight to keep my power only to have it forcefully taken... just because Professor can? Sure. Its been there, another part of me bubbling beneath the surface... a "what would happen if I" at odds with my deeper need to please.
A new roleplay maybe? I dunno. I also wonder, because I am such an approval masochist if in this case, my occasional defiance fantasy should stay just that... a fantasy.
Professor says that I am "approval masochist". That I seek his approval like another masochist might seek humiliation. I think that is pretty accurate. I especially get off on earning his approval after falling from grace. Strange, that.
I think my need to be a good girl in our dynamic is why I can take roleplay so seriously even though it isn't real. My feelings and need to please Professor are very real and transcend every situation, fantasy or not.
There are two very distinct sides to me. On one hand, I am reckless, independent, impulsive, rebellious... a "color outside the lines" sort... willingly challenging authority. And yet within the kink? I don't get any pleasure from resisting. I won't kick, scream... fight to keep my power. I willingly submit and it is freeing for me. I like the power exchange part of it and am perfectly happy not being in control for a while.
That being said, have I ever craved the chance to defy? To be openly defiant just to see what would happen? Yes. Have I ever wondered what it would be like to fight to keep my power only to have it forcefully taken... just because Professor can? Sure. Its been there, another part of me bubbling beneath the surface... a "what would happen if I" at odds with my deeper need to please.
A new roleplay maybe? I dunno. I also wonder, because I am such an approval masochist if in this case, my occasional defiance fantasy should stay just that... a fantasy.