Open Letter Of Gratitude

In the beginning there was a little girl. An ordinary, tomboyish type little girl with freckles who plowed through life at breakneck speed, armed only with her trademark Supergirl cape. She was a bright girl, impulsive and daring, and she always refused to color inside the lines.

But then things changed for the girl during the year before her thirteenth birthday when a piece of her heart was taken from her by someone she loved. Her heart was damaged in the way that only rejection can damage it and the little girl was hurt and confused. She thought that maybe he considered little girls to be too much trouble so she tried to be no trouble at all. She set out to win his love by being extra good and very charming.......surely he would want to spend time with her if she was the best girl.....and she did everything a little girl could do. But it wasnt enough, because no matter what she did, he still didnt want to be with her. And it occured to her that maybe he didnt love her and that is why he couldnt be around her.

And over time the little girl lost more and more of her heart until she was left with a hole that was so big, and so deep, that the girl could hardly breathe underneath its ache. The ache had a voice, and as each piece of her heart was removed, the ache for a Daddy who loved his little girl got louder. And the girl hated herself for being something that her own father couldnt be around. And she hated the ache that was left behind. She grew angry at herself and she filled in the hole with anger. When her heart was filled, she realized that she was unable to feel sad, or to cry. And the day the little girl stopped being able to cry was also the day she stopped growing.

As the years went by, the little girl's body grew, and her mind grew, but she didnt. The little girl stayed thirteen and angrily plowed through life at breakneck speed daring someone to stop her, knowing noone would, until someone did, and in the process, he set her free.

An open letter of gratitude:

I dont want you to be my "Daddy", because I now know you cant be.

All of my revelations, everything I have gone through, the talk I had with you today, is all about growing up.

Up to this point, in our relationship, I have truly been a child. When I said that you were "managing my junk", I meant it. The Daddy/daughter part of our relationship started when we met. Its like I had stopped growing way before I met you and I have been stuck at 13 for ever.

And as a child, I needed you to treat me like one. And you did. You have been Daddy, do you see that? Daddy's give their children boundries and punish them when they are naughty. Daddy's teach their children how to act appropriately.

Up to this point, I have been unable to express my needs or feelings in an appropriate way, so instead I acted out like a child. I now see that I have been doing it to act out against my father because I was angry. Or at least I thought I was angry. Anger is a much more managable emotion for me. It tends to mask hurt pretty well.

Also, in the beginning, I wanted to be punished. I wanted to have that kind of relationship with you because although I was craving a Daddy/daughter interraction, in my insecure mind, the punishment aspect was what I thought I deserved. Partly because I had been out of control behaviorally for so long, and the other bigger part was because deep down, I thought that there was something wrong with me because why else would my own dad not be able to be around me?

You saw my struggle with needing a father figure and you provided it. And I will never be able to repay you for what you did for me by doing that. And it was huge.

Up to this point, I had no real frame of reference for a loving relationship with an adult male role model. My own father has hardly touched me...hugged me....kissed me at all. And i never understood why he couldnt love me. He made himself unavailable. Shut himself off. Rejected me both emotionally and physically. I have a dad that cant seem stand to be in the same room with his own daughter, never mind touch her. I was a burden. And I was only thirteen years old.

With you, I wasnt a burden. I was a little girl who needed you and you were there for me. You provided me with a glimpse of a relationship that I have been craving for years, and by doing so, I was able to finally let go of some of the anger, and it start to heal. You showed me that i was worth it. I was worth being someone's little girl and that i *was* good enough, and even when I wasnt, you still loved me. And you cared enough to tell me "enough is enough" You gave me someone to look up to. And helped me build enough trust to make this whole realization possible.

And you helped get me to this point:

I have ached for a Daddy/little girl relationship for as long as i can remember and it has caused me to seek out father figures in all aspects of my life to try to fill that ache.

I will never have the relationship that I ache for. I have ached to be a little girl to a Daddy. *My* Daddy. And he will never be able to give me that. He is incapable of that. And more importanly, I am not a child anymore. The ache I have is a little girl ache for her Daddy.

It isnt possible to have what I truly want. It was something I didnt get when I was a little girl, when I really needed it, and so now I finally have to mourn for that loss. I need to mourn for the thing that he couldnt give me and maybe the ache won't be so big.

My dad couldn't/wouldnt be a Daddy to his little girl. And it isnt my fault. Its not because there was something wrong with me. He wasnt equipped to give me what I needed.

And it hurts. It hurts deep inside my heart.

All girls deserve to be daddy's little girls. I dont think it is alot to ask, really.

I deserved to have a Daddy. And he rejected me, and it took pieces of my heart away.

I have been angry for so long that I didnt let myself deal with the hurt. I have stayed this angry little kid instead of mourning for the loss. Because somehow I thought it was my fault. And it had a huge impact on my whole life. And I put up these huge walls to protect what little heart I had left. And I refused to mourn, to cry.......so I was stuck.....I couldnt heal.....I couldnt grow. Because I spent all my time looking for some way to fill the incredible ache.

And then I met you. And its because of you and our journey that I am finally at this point:

I wanted my Dad to be a Dad to me. Thats all I have ever wanted.

But he couldnt then and still cant now.

And so I got in my car after leaving today and I cried.

For the first time since I was 13, I cried hard. I cried the whole way home. and as I am writing this line, I have started crying again. Because I am hurt. My dad took pieces of my heart away and I will never get them back.

And so I need to mourn for that loss so that I can heal.

So I dont want you to be my Daddy, because you cant be that.

But I need you.

I want to continue growing up and I dont want to do it alone. I want to be able to share it with someone who will be there with me as I struggle to grow into myself.

You are my adult male role model, my friend, my mentor, my father figure and I need you.

I need someone I can look up to. Someone who cares for me, someone who makes me swoon, who rocks my world.

Today I have started growing up, but I dont want to do it alone.

I want someone who will be there to watch me grow. To be there as I struggle to grow into myself. And I pick you.

You cant be my Daddy, but I still want to be your little girl when I need to be.