Let that be a lesson......
I told one lie, I had one drink.
Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture.
I'm sorry.
So am I.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah. Been there, done that. Recently in fact.
Ironically enough, I had almost the exact same conversation with Professor earlier today. Well, the same conversation if you left out the giant demon snake part....I don't recall any mention of a snake in our conversation.
But he did mention punishment. A punishment spanking in fact. So if you take out the snake part and add the punishment spanking part, the quote is a good illustration of the following:
Yes, I am a Buffy fan.
Yes, I am cheesy enough to quote the show.
And yes, the circumstances surrounding my latest punishment predicament are cheesy enough to fill an episode of any hour long drama plucked from the nightly line up of the WB.
My humiliation knows no bounds lately.
I imagine I could have identified with a more..hmmm.... substantive author. Like Confucious....or Plato....or Nietzsche...or some other equally profound author of very profound quotes. But I didn't.
Why?
It could be due to the fact that I feel rather pathetic at the moment and it is a case of "gawd...my life is like a WB drama....how cheesy". Or it could be that I feel so guilt ridden because of what I did, that I immediately identified with the episode as I watched it on the said WB earlier this evening. Or maybe I am just shallow enough that I would identify with Buffy rather than something by Plato.
Personally, I think I am way too angst ridden to be shallow, so I would have to say that its more of a combination of 1 and 2....with a little "scoobies fan"-ness thrown in.
Anyway, I have a point to my rambling so please bear with me, and I will get to it sooner or later. My rambling is a symptom of my overall crappy feeling for what I did....and my nervousness over the punishment I have earned as a result.
And it does all relate to the Buffy quote, because this truly is a case of "let that be a lesson"....
As Professor's "disciplinee/spankee/mentee/and sometimes good girl", I don't have a lot of rules. Well, I don't have a long list of simple rules like, "be in bed by ten", or "no chatting after midnight". That is not how our particular dynamic works.
Instead, I have what Professor calls Higher Rules. Actually, they are more like navigational tools than rules, I think. And I use them to help plot my behavioral course through life. Or at least that is the philosophy behind the Higher Rules concept.
There are times when I need more than Higher Rules though. Times when I hit particularly rough waters and need more than my tools to find my way.....times when I really need Professor. Because when I find myself in rough waters I rely on Professor to be my compass....my moral compass....to keep me from crashing into the rocks.
It was Professor who first taught me about emotional honesty. And unconditional love. And how to overcome my fear of intimacy. Although he doesn't know it, he taught me something about all of those things. And he did it by teaching me about Higher Rules.
For a long time, I have battled this monster....this giant monster......this fear....this giant demonic, devouring fear....of intimacy. Of letting people in. Of letting people know me.
You know, I read somewhere that the simplest way to describe intimacy is by breaking down the word:
in to see me
Allowing someone to share who I am as a person. Allowing someone in.
My fear....my larger-than-life fear of intimacy got so big over time that the only way I was able to keep from being completely devoured by it, was by putting up walls. Lots and lots and lots of very big, thick walls. To keep people out.
Because I was so afraid that once I let them in, they would figure out I was defective. And then they would leave.
And the really screwed up thing? At the same time, although I had this fear, I was always looking for love "in all the wrong places". My walls....my extremely high and very defendable walls were/are no match for your run-of-the-mill resident of Dysfunction Junction.
The irony of it just about slays me.
I try so hard to protect myself from being hurt by putting up these huge walls, these humungous walls! And yet when the first yokel properly bogged down with emotional baggage happens across my radar screen, my draw bridge goes down and I practically dust off the welcome mat.
It is almost like I seek out and/or am sought out by the people who will hurt me....abandon me...or be emotionally unavailable to me. I truly am a masochist, and not in the "cool spanko" sort of way. In this case, I am a masochist in the "not so cool co-dependence" sort of way.
And what do I do when I inevitably get hurt by one of these people?
I get mad. And I look for some sort of outlet to make myself feel better.
In the past, that outlet involved some sort of naughtiness that would get me into trouble, and then after the fact, I would feel ashamed of what I had done, and my self esteem would be effected because I would feel so crappy about myself, and then that would lead to thicker walls, and maybe a bit of barbed wire.......until I threw down the welcome mat for the next asshole that came my way.
Professor and the concept of Higher Rules changed things though. In the most unexpected of ways:
With him, I had to be open and honest. It is one of my Higher Rules. And by being open and honest, (or at least by trying to be~I truly suck at obeying this rule) I had to let Professor in. I had to take down some walls, and I had to find out for myself, that it was okay to let someone in. That it was not only okay to let someone in, but that it was good....very good. And so I did.
I had to take responsibility for my actions. I had to own up for my mistakes and be properly punished for them. And over time, I realized that I felt better in the long run when I owned up for things. And I also realized that Professor cared for me whether I was naughty or well behaved. His caring for me was not dependent on his approval of my behavior.
His concept of Higher Rules also allowed me to behave, or to be a good girl, just because "it was the right thing to do". To other people that might not seem like a big deal, but for me, it means everything.
Professor is the first role model who demands good behavior from me,
not because I am some sort of extension of him,
not because "If you don't behave, what will the neighbors think? I will tell you what. They will wonder what kind of parents raised a child like you, that's what."
and not because "I love you if you do what I want you to do".
Not for any of those reasons.
Professor expects me to be honest and to be responsible for my actions. To do my best and to learn to savor through moderation. To follow through and be true to my commitments. To show mercy and be considerate of others. To be respectful of authority and to obey him. He expects all of these things and more.
Why?
Because they are the right things to do.
Simply put, Professor expects me to do what I know is right. And his simple, consistent principles are freeing. And empowering. And self esteem building. And wall removing.
And now that brings me to the lessons learned part:
Just recently, I made some new "friends" and I chose not to tell Professor about them. I was worried he wouldn't let me hang around with them because they have a few "issues".
Just recently, I began to see that the relationship with these so called friends was toxic, and that they demanded alot from me....more than I could give, and still, I chose not to tell Professor.
Just recently, I chose not to disclose to Professor, because I was afraid he wouldn't let me hang out where they hung out anymore.
Just recently, even when I finally realized I couldn't handle it alone, and when it finally all fell to shit and I fell apart, and when I got hurt and humiliated as a result of the whole big mess, I still didn't tell him. Because I was ashamed.
So, in order to cover up the fact that I didn't disclose in the first place, I had to lie. I had to lie over and Over again.
Every time he asked how I was doing.... Fine!
Every time he asked what was new in my life....Oh you know, same old stuff!
I had to hide what was going on and I was ashamed of my lies.
And because I had kept things from him, I had to distance myself from him. I had to avoid him. Because I had lied to the one person on earth I wasn't supposed to lie to....the one person who I didn't have to lie to. The one person who I didn't want to ever lie to.
Yeah. The whole thing is pretty bad.
Professor has told me that I am supposed to be open and honest with him. Always. And now I why. By keeping things from him, by not following the full disclosure rule, I end up having to lie. And it makes me feel like shit.
And it makes me put up walls to keep him from getting in....to keep him from finding out what I did.....what I am because of fear.
For the first time in a long time, I felt that same fear....that fear I used to feel before. And because I had distanced myself from him.....because I had shut him out and kept myself from him.....he wasn't able to help me when it grew big enough that it threatened to devour me. So I was left to fight it alone.
Just recently, I told one lie.
And I had one drink.
And I nearly got devoured by a giant demon snake.
Sort of.
And I am going to get spanked.
And I deserve it.
I am sorry....truly sorry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you remember that unfinished line? That line that says "Let that be a lesson...."? I will fill in the rest. No worries. This one's on me.....truly on me:
"Let that be a lesson, Naughty One. Always be open and honest at all times. Not because you could be devoured by a giant demon snake, but simply because it is the right thing to do."
Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words 'let that be a lesson' are a tad redundant at this juncture.
I'm sorry.
So am I.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah. Been there, done that. Recently in fact.
Ironically enough, I had almost the exact same conversation with Professor earlier today. Well, the same conversation if you left out the giant demon snake part....I don't recall any mention of a snake in our conversation.
But he did mention punishment. A punishment spanking in fact. So if you take out the snake part and add the punishment spanking part, the quote is a good illustration of the following:
Yes, I am a Buffy fan.
Yes, I am cheesy enough to quote the show.
And yes, the circumstances surrounding my latest punishment predicament are cheesy enough to fill an episode of any hour long drama plucked from the nightly line up of the WB.
My humiliation knows no bounds lately.
I imagine I could have identified with a more..hmmm.... substantive author. Like Confucious....or Plato....or Nietzsche...or some other equally profound author of very profound quotes. But I didn't.
Why?
It could be due to the fact that I feel rather pathetic at the moment and it is a case of "gawd...my life is like a WB drama....how cheesy". Or it could be that I feel so guilt ridden because of what I did, that I immediately identified with the episode as I watched it on the said WB earlier this evening. Or maybe I am just shallow enough that I would identify with Buffy rather than something by Plato.
Personally, I think I am way too angst ridden to be shallow, so I would have to say that its more of a combination of 1 and 2....with a little "scoobies fan"-ness thrown in.
Anyway, I have a point to my rambling so please bear with me, and I will get to it sooner or later. My rambling is a symptom of my overall crappy feeling for what I did....and my nervousness over the punishment I have earned as a result.
And it does all relate to the Buffy quote, because this truly is a case of "let that be a lesson"....
As Professor's "disciplinee/spankee/mentee/and sometimes good girl", I don't have a lot of rules. Well, I don't have a long list of simple rules like, "be in bed by ten", or "no chatting after midnight". That is not how our particular dynamic works.
Instead, I have what Professor calls Higher Rules. Actually, they are more like navigational tools than rules, I think. And I use them to help plot my behavioral course through life. Or at least that is the philosophy behind the Higher Rules concept.
There are times when I need more than Higher Rules though. Times when I hit particularly rough waters and need more than my tools to find my way.....times when I really need Professor. Because when I find myself in rough waters I rely on Professor to be my compass....my moral compass....to keep me from crashing into the rocks.
It was Professor who first taught me about emotional honesty. And unconditional love. And how to overcome my fear of intimacy. Although he doesn't know it, he taught me something about all of those things. And he did it by teaching me about Higher Rules.
For a long time, I have battled this monster....this giant monster......this fear....this giant demonic, devouring fear....of intimacy. Of letting people in. Of letting people know me.
You know, I read somewhere that the simplest way to describe intimacy is by breaking down the word:
in to see me
Allowing someone to share who I am as a person. Allowing someone in.
My fear....my larger-than-life fear of intimacy got so big over time that the only way I was able to keep from being completely devoured by it, was by putting up walls. Lots and lots and lots of very big, thick walls. To keep people out.
Because I was so afraid that once I let them in, they would figure out I was defective. And then they would leave.
And the really screwed up thing? At the same time, although I had this fear, I was always looking for love "in all the wrong places". My walls....my extremely high and very defendable walls were/are no match for your run-of-the-mill resident of Dysfunction Junction.
The irony of it just about slays me.
I try so hard to protect myself from being hurt by putting up these huge walls, these humungous walls! And yet when the first yokel properly bogged down with emotional baggage happens across my radar screen, my draw bridge goes down and I practically dust off the welcome mat.
It is almost like I seek out and/or am sought out by the people who will hurt me....abandon me...or be emotionally unavailable to me. I truly am a masochist, and not in the "cool spanko" sort of way. In this case, I am a masochist in the "not so cool co-dependence" sort of way.
And what do I do when I inevitably get hurt by one of these people?
I get mad. And I look for some sort of outlet to make myself feel better.
In the past, that outlet involved some sort of naughtiness that would get me into trouble, and then after the fact, I would feel ashamed of what I had done, and my self esteem would be effected because I would feel so crappy about myself, and then that would lead to thicker walls, and maybe a bit of barbed wire.......until I threw down the welcome mat for the next asshole that came my way.
Professor and the concept of Higher Rules changed things though. In the most unexpected of ways:
With him, I had to be open and honest. It is one of my Higher Rules. And by being open and honest, (or at least by trying to be~I truly suck at obeying this rule) I had to let Professor in. I had to take down some walls, and I had to find out for myself, that it was okay to let someone in. That it was not only okay to let someone in, but that it was good....very good. And so I did.
I had to take responsibility for my actions. I had to own up for my mistakes and be properly punished for them. And over time, I realized that I felt better in the long run when I owned up for things. And I also realized that Professor cared for me whether I was naughty or well behaved. His caring for me was not dependent on his approval of my behavior.
His concept of Higher Rules also allowed me to behave, or to be a good girl, just because "it was the right thing to do". To other people that might not seem like a big deal, but for me, it means everything.
Professor is the first role model who demands good behavior from me,
not because I am some sort of extension of him,
not because "If you don't behave, what will the neighbors think? I will tell you what. They will wonder what kind of parents raised a child like you, that's what."
and not because "I love you if you do what I want you to do".
Not for any of those reasons.
Professor expects me to be honest and to be responsible for my actions. To do my best and to learn to savor through moderation. To follow through and be true to my commitments. To show mercy and be considerate of others. To be respectful of authority and to obey him. He expects all of these things and more.
Why?
Because they are the right things to do.
Simply put, Professor expects me to do what I know is right. And his simple, consistent principles are freeing. And empowering. And self esteem building. And wall removing.
And now that brings me to the lessons learned part:
Just recently, I made some new "friends" and I chose not to tell Professor about them. I was worried he wouldn't let me hang around with them because they have a few "issues".
Just recently, I began to see that the relationship with these so called friends was toxic, and that they demanded alot from me....more than I could give, and still, I chose not to tell Professor.
Just recently, I chose not to disclose to Professor, because I was afraid he wouldn't let me hang out where they hung out anymore.
Just recently, even when I finally realized I couldn't handle it alone, and when it finally all fell to shit and I fell apart, and when I got hurt and humiliated as a result of the whole big mess, I still didn't tell him. Because I was ashamed.
So, in order to cover up the fact that I didn't disclose in the first place, I had to lie. I had to lie over and Over again.
Every time he asked how I was doing.... Fine!
Every time he asked what was new in my life....Oh you know, same old stuff!
I had to hide what was going on and I was ashamed of my lies.
And because I had kept things from him, I had to distance myself from him. I had to avoid him. Because I had lied to the one person on earth I wasn't supposed to lie to....the one person who I didn't have to lie to. The one person who I didn't want to ever lie to.
Yeah. The whole thing is pretty bad.
Professor has told me that I am supposed to be open and honest with him. Always. And now I why. By keeping things from him, by not following the full disclosure rule, I end up having to lie. And it makes me feel like shit.
And it makes me put up walls to keep him from getting in....to keep him from finding out what I did.....what I am because of fear.
For the first time in a long time, I felt that same fear....that fear I used to feel before. And because I had distanced myself from him.....because I had shut him out and kept myself from him.....he wasn't able to help me when it grew big enough that it threatened to devour me. So I was left to fight it alone.
Just recently, I told one lie.
And I had one drink.
And I nearly got devoured by a giant demon snake.
Sort of.
And I am going to get spanked.
And I deserve it.
I am sorry....truly sorry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you remember that unfinished line? That line that says "Let that be a lesson...."? I will fill in the rest. No worries. This one's on me.....truly on me:
"Let that be a lesson, Naughty One. Always be open and honest at all times. Not because you could be devoured by a giant demon snake, but simply because it is the right thing to do."