Spanking Me Home
Professor is back and I am very glad ;)
Whenever he goes away and I start to feel unanchored, I crave stricter rules and more structure. It is almost a given. His absence is always marked with at first, a vague sort of emptiness that builds to unease and that "lack of anchor" feeling.
In the past I would respond to those feelings by acting out in some way. I am trying to change that however. Now, my present self is trying to express my feelings out loud....to myself...to him....to anyone....the important point being that I "express" them and understand where they are coming from. I think this post is part of my "expression". Well, part expression and part reassurance. Writing it down always allows me to work it through.
So, as I said, when Professor goes away, I feel unanchored. He is back now, and in typical "naughtyopath" fashion, I am craving more rules and structure. He is back and you would think that would be enough for me, but I guess it makes sense in a weird spanko dynamic sort of way.......Professor has been gone, I have been feeling unanchored without him, hence I crave more structure and rules because to me, rules show caring.
So here we are, the end of August and Professor is back from his vacation and I am thinking about stricter rules and boundaries. A while ago I read an interesting psychological study that is a wonderful analogy to explain what I am feeling at the moment:
An elementary school had a large fenced in playground where kids played during recess. They roamed over the entire yard, including playing close to the fence. Eventually, the school needed to replace the fence, so the old one was removed, and for several days, the playground was open. The teachers noticed a strange phenomenon while the playground was without boundaries". For whatever reason, the school children huddled together in the center of the yard, rather than playing over the entire yard like they did before. None of the kids played close to the property boundaries, and instead seemed to congregate as close to the middle of the playground as possible. Turns out they felt less secure without the fence.
Yeah, I can totally relate to it.
I shared this analogy with Professor and since then we have referred to it a lot within our dynamic. Especially it seems, when I am feeling smallish, or overwhelmed.....the "playground" analogy almost fits with the overall "smallishness".
When I originally showed the analogy to Professor, it was right after he had removed one of my fences. You would have thought I would have been elated that the fence was removed, but I wasn't. It actually had the opposite effect and it made me feel nervous and unsure. Emotionally, I reacted similarly to those children....or at least I understood how they felt and it is similar to how I am feeling now, which is why I think I remembered the playground analogy today.
I shared the analogy with Professor to illustrate how I was feeling after the fence removal and he responded with a couple of thought provoking questions. He wanted to know whether over time, if the children continued to huddle in the middle, or if it just for the first few days. He also asked if they ended up being happier, individually secure, better adjusted "players" in the long term.
He asked the questions because he viewed fence building differently than I did. I saw more fences....or the idea of fences in general in fact, as symbols of my Disciplinarian's caring, and the removal of fences as a lack of caring. I didn't feel ready to have my fence come down and told him that I felt uneasy without it. He didn't see it that way though. Actually, what he told me was this:
Don't you see that carefully constructed and removed fences shows caring and support? It would be easy to simply keep your fences up, but the *best*playground is a fenceless one, and I want the best for my little girl. Careful fence construction and removal involves a lot of caring effort - and it is something that I take seriously.
Those words had a huge impact on me because I realized not only that the number of fences imposed is not a true indicator of caring, but I also wondered about the craving I had for the fences in the first place. I began to wonder that when Professor is away, or has just returned from being away for a while and I am feeling smallish and unanchored, if it is more fences that I crave or if it just that I crave the fence *builder*.
I dunno.....maybe it isn't a long list of rules that makes me feel secure (even though, on the surface it is attractive because it appears to show love and caring), but instead, maybe it is that there is someone out there that cares for me enough to give me some rules in the first place.
So anyway, I have been thinking a lot about fenceless playgrounds tonight. And fences too. And although Professor is back, I am still feeling smallish and craving strict rules and boundaries. Actually, I want higher fences....and I want him to give me more of them. Maybe really high fences with barbed wire on top.
I missed my Fence Builder while he was away. And maybe the need for tall fences and barbed wire is my way of asking him to re-anchor me....to reconnect with me....after being away for several weeks.
I want some face to face time with Professor so that we can catch up. And I want him to re-circle the spanking wagons by spanking me hard....and I mean HARD......and I don't want him to stop until I am squirming and crying....thoroughly and soundly spanked.......in the way that only he can spank me.....because he understands me and what I need and he cares enough about me to give it to me.
And then I will feel less like my current smallish self and more like *His* naughty one.....because I will be home.......upended and bare bottomed, over my Fence Builder's knee.
Yeah. Professor is back and I am very glad. :)
Whenever he goes away and I start to feel unanchored, I crave stricter rules and more structure. It is almost a given. His absence is always marked with at first, a vague sort of emptiness that builds to unease and that "lack of anchor" feeling.
In the past I would respond to those feelings by acting out in some way. I am trying to change that however. Now, my present self is trying to express my feelings out loud....to myself...to him....to anyone....the important point being that I "express" them and understand where they are coming from. I think this post is part of my "expression". Well, part expression and part reassurance. Writing it down always allows me to work it through.
So, as I said, when Professor goes away, I feel unanchored. He is back now, and in typical "naughtyopath" fashion, I am craving more rules and structure. He is back and you would think that would be enough for me, but I guess it makes sense in a weird spanko dynamic sort of way.......Professor has been gone, I have been feeling unanchored without him, hence I crave more structure and rules because to me, rules show caring.
So here we are, the end of August and Professor is back from his vacation and I am thinking about stricter rules and boundaries. A while ago I read an interesting psychological study that is a wonderful analogy to explain what I am feeling at the moment:
An elementary school had a large fenced in playground where kids played during recess. They roamed over the entire yard, including playing close to the fence. Eventually, the school needed to replace the fence, so the old one was removed, and for several days, the playground was open. The teachers noticed a strange phenomenon while the playground was without boundaries". For whatever reason, the school children huddled together in the center of the yard, rather than playing over the entire yard like they did before. None of the kids played close to the property boundaries, and instead seemed to congregate as close to the middle of the playground as possible. Turns out they felt less secure without the fence.
Yeah, I can totally relate to it.
I shared this analogy with Professor and since then we have referred to it a lot within our dynamic. Especially it seems, when I am feeling smallish, or overwhelmed.....the "playground" analogy almost fits with the overall "smallishness".
When I originally showed the analogy to Professor, it was right after he had removed one of my fences. You would have thought I would have been elated that the fence was removed, but I wasn't. It actually had the opposite effect and it made me feel nervous and unsure. Emotionally, I reacted similarly to those children....or at least I understood how they felt and it is similar to how I am feeling now, which is why I think I remembered the playground analogy today.
I shared the analogy with Professor to illustrate how I was feeling after the fence removal and he responded with a couple of thought provoking questions. He wanted to know whether over time, if the children continued to huddle in the middle, or if it just for the first few days. He also asked if they ended up being happier, individually secure, better adjusted "players" in the long term.
He asked the questions because he viewed fence building differently than I did. I saw more fences....or the idea of fences in general in fact, as symbols of my Disciplinarian's caring, and the removal of fences as a lack of caring. I didn't feel ready to have my fence come down and told him that I felt uneasy without it. He didn't see it that way though. Actually, what he told me was this:
Don't you see that carefully constructed and removed fences shows caring and support? It would be easy to simply keep your fences up, but the *best*playground is a fenceless one, and I want the best for my little girl. Careful fence construction and removal involves a lot of caring effort - and it is something that I take seriously.
Those words had a huge impact on me because I realized not only that the number of fences imposed is not a true indicator of caring, but I also wondered about the craving I had for the fences in the first place. I began to wonder that when Professor is away, or has just returned from being away for a while and I am feeling smallish and unanchored, if it is more fences that I crave or if it just that I crave the fence *builder*.
I dunno.....maybe it isn't a long list of rules that makes me feel secure (even though, on the surface it is attractive because it appears to show love and caring), but instead, maybe it is that there is someone out there that cares for me enough to give me some rules in the first place.
So anyway, I have been thinking a lot about fenceless playgrounds tonight. And fences too. And although Professor is back, I am still feeling smallish and craving strict rules and boundaries. Actually, I want higher fences....and I want him to give me more of them. Maybe really high fences with barbed wire on top.
I missed my Fence Builder while he was away. And maybe the need for tall fences and barbed wire is my way of asking him to re-anchor me....to reconnect with me....after being away for several weeks.
I want some face to face time with Professor so that we can catch up. And I want him to re-circle the spanking wagons by spanking me hard....and I mean HARD......and I don't want him to stop until I am squirming and crying....thoroughly and soundly spanked.......in the way that only he can spank me.....because he understands me and what I need and he cares enough about me to give it to me.
And then I will feel less like my current smallish self and more like *His* naughty one.....because I will be home.......upended and bare bottomed, over my Fence Builder's knee.
Yeah. Professor is back and I am very glad. :)