Risk and the Spanking Dynamic
"I have had many girls write to me in the past that in the end would not take the risk - risk in terms of safety, risk in terms of realizing one's fantasies, risk in terms of doing something most of the world, including those close to you in real life, don't understand and/or approve of.......to be able to fulfill your spanking fantasies...... realizing that there are risks and that you must be willing to take them is important when pursuing a spanking relationship....."
Someone asked me to write about risk in the context of pursuing a spanking relationship and I think it is a worthy topic, but not for the reasons that he might have thought it was......
All relationships involve some risk, spanko or not. You take a risk putting yourself out there....letting someone get to know you....By opening your heart in any capacity, there is risk.
I think in some ways, there is greater risk in a spanking dynamic. At least for me there is. In spanking/Discipline, you have all the risks of a non spanko relationship, plus you have the added risks that go along with being in a unequal relationship. Professor and I are not equals. By the very nature of our dynamic, he is Authority....and well, I am not :)
I don't know what the risks are for other girls. Safety risks, taking the plunge, doing something that the world doesn't approve of....those are all genuine risks. They are. I don't know what drives another girl to decide, in the end, not to take the risk. Maybe for them, by deciding to make the step from fantasy to real life it forces them to admit...really admit to themselves out loud that they are different...that they are turned on by something that mainstream society considers to be deviant. That may be too much for them. Or maybe, it is about the safety issues...the fear of the unknown. I don't know.
I can't speak for them, but I know that I can say it really is more than just the risk of getting in my car and driving to the hotel to be spanked.
The risk for me? In doing this real life? In actually deciding to meet with someone in person to get a real bare bottomed spanking?
It wasn't the safety stuff.....I mean, everyone talks about the risk of meeting a psycho online, and yes, there is that risk, but personally I think you have the same risk meeting someone in a bar.
And it wasn't the risk of "Ohhh, succumb to your desire to be spanked, you must embrace who you are," and all that stuff. Yes, the desire to be spanked is not mainstream....but once again, that wasn't the biggie for me.
For me it was about being vulnerable. That was and still is the risk. The ultimate risk. I am a girl surrounded by walls. I never get hurt. I can beat up all the boys. I am supergirl and I wear a cape. I am in control, I lead...I am fun, free....untouchable. I am never weak and I don't ever rely on anyone. I never ask for help and I don't cry. The risk for me is about vulnerability. And the risk in my mind, can still be so huge that it threatens to smother me with its heady weight.
In marriage, or in another established relationship that is based on other things besides spanking, you already have trust, hopefully .....or some bond. Spanking is a part of the bigger relationship.....it doesn't define it. It is something that is shared in the context of the larger relationship.
In a dynamic that starts based solely on spanking? Well, you have to build the relationship beyond the spanking part. Or at least I had to. I wanted more than just WHACK WHACK WHACK. I wanted spanking, and a discipline relationship. I wanted someone to hold me accountable and I wanted someone to look up to.
And I wanted that someone to be an Authority. Who would care for me unconditionally. Now this is the important part. I wanted someone who cared for me unconditionally....so that meant I had to open myself up so that I could be loved...for me. For me. Not for what someone wanted me to be....or perceived me to be....or what I thought they needed me to be. Cared for unconditionally.....for me.
And I had never done that before.
Basically I wanted to be able to answer some random spanko personals ad...or have someone answer mine...and I wanted the resulting spanking relationship to evolve into a caring, loving relationship between a Mentor and his mentee....where the Mentor not only played spanking games, but he also truly cared for his mentee and wanted to influence her in a positive way in order to help make her a better person. Yeah. Tall order, I know. Maybe I should explore the role that luck plays in a good spanking relationship sometime......
But the risk? Yeah.
Well, in order to have all of this.....I had to take what was for me, a very big risk. A risk that by its very definition, had the potential to shake me to my very core. I needed to be something I had never been able to be: vulnerable. And I had to trust someone enough to give them the power, the authority....... to really hurt me if they wanted to, and I gave them the ammunition to do it with!
I had to be touchable. Small. Trusting. Open. Defenseless.
Sucking up the courage to get in my car and drive to the agreed upon hotel to meet with Professor for my very first ever bare bottomed spanking? That was nothing.
Continually making the conscious effort to leave myself open and exposed and unguarded...... with the chance that my vulnerabilities could be used to hurt me? That was/is the hard part for me. *That* is the risk. And even now, three years later, I have had to consciously fight my natural inclination...my gut instinct..... to flee...or to close myself off.
Was it worth it? Hell yeah. I think so. At least most days I think it was/is. There are things in life that are worth the risk. And I think this is one of them. For me it is at least. For someone else? Well, that is up to them to decide. It is about timing. And hard work. And effort. And I think it is about luck as well. At the time, I was ready. I was ready to take the risk. And it worked out.
I could do it....I was up for it......so I took the risk. And I keep taking the risks. Why? Because most of the time, it is the hard things that are the most rewarding. Well that, and I am a masochist. So I gravitate to the hard (and painful) things ;)
Someone asked me to write about risk in the context of pursuing a spanking relationship and I think it is a worthy topic, but not for the reasons that he might have thought it was......
All relationships involve some risk, spanko or not. You take a risk putting yourself out there....letting someone get to know you....By opening your heart in any capacity, there is risk.
I think in some ways, there is greater risk in a spanking dynamic. At least for me there is. In spanking/Discipline, you have all the risks of a non spanko relationship, plus you have the added risks that go along with being in a unequal relationship. Professor and I are not equals. By the very nature of our dynamic, he is Authority....and well, I am not :)
I don't know what the risks are for other girls. Safety risks, taking the plunge, doing something that the world doesn't approve of....those are all genuine risks. They are. I don't know what drives another girl to decide, in the end, not to take the risk. Maybe for them, by deciding to make the step from fantasy to real life it forces them to admit...really admit to themselves out loud that they are different...that they are turned on by something that mainstream society considers to be deviant. That may be too much for them. Or maybe, it is about the safety issues...the fear of the unknown. I don't know.
I can't speak for them, but I know that I can say it really is more than just the risk of getting in my car and driving to the hotel to be spanked.
The risk for me? In doing this real life? In actually deciding to meet with someone in person to get a real bare bottomed spanking?
It wasn't the safety stuff.....I mean, everyone talks about the risk of meeting a psycho online, and yes, there is that risk, but personally I think you have the same risk meeting someone in a bar.
And it wasn't the risk of "Ohhh, succumb to your desire to be spanked, you must embrace who you are," and all that stuff. Yes, the desire to be spanked is not mainstream....but once again, that wasn't the biggie for me.
For me it was about being vulnerable. That was and still is the risk. The ultimate risk. I am a girl surrounded by walls. I never get hurt. I can beat up all the boys. I am supergirl and I wear a cape. I am in control, I lead...I am fun, free....untouchable. I am never weak and I don't ever rely on anyone. I never ask for help and I don't cry. The risk for me is about vulnerability. And the risk in my mind, can still be so huge that it threatens to smother me with its heady weight.
In marriage, or in another established relationship that is based on other things besides spanking, you already have trust, hopefully .....or some bond. Spanking is a part of the bigger relationship.....it doesn't define it. It is something that is shared in the context of the larger relationship.
In a dynamic that starts based solely on spanking? Well, you have to build the relationship beyond the spanking part. Or at least I had to. I wanted more than just WHACK WHACK WHACK. I wanted spanking, and a discipline relationship. I wanted someone to hold me accountable and I wanted someone to look up to.
And I wanted that someone to be an Authority. Who would care for me unconditionally. Now this is the important part. I wanted someone who cared for me unconditionally....so that meant I had to open myself up so that I could be loved...for me. For me. Not for what someone wanted me to be....or perceived me to be....or what I thought they needed me to be. Cared for unconditionally.....for me.
And I had never done that before.
Basically I wanted to be able to answer some random spanko personals ad...or have someone answer mine...and I wanted the resulting spanking relationship to evolve into a caring, loving relationship between a Mentor and his mentee....where the Mentor not only played spanking games, but he also truly cared for his mentee and wanted to influence her in a positive way in order to help make her a better person. Yeah. Tall order, I know. Maybe I should explore the role that luck plays in a good spanking relationship sometime......
But the risk? Yeah.
Well, in order to have all of this.....I had to take what was for me, a very big risk. A risk that by its very definition, had the potential to shake me to my very core. I needed to be something I had never been able to be: vulnerable. And I had to trust someone enough to give them the power, the authority....... to really hurt me if they wanted to, and I gave them the ammunition to do it with!
I had to be touchable. Small. Trusting. Open. Defenseless.
Sucking up the courage to get in my car and drive to the agreed upon hotel to meet with Professor for my very first ever bare bottomed spanking? That was nothing.
Continually making the conscious effort to leave myself open and exposed and unguarded...... with the chance that my vulnerabilities could be used to hurt me? That was/is the hard part for me. *That* is the risk. And even now, three years later, I have had to consciously fight my natural inclination...my gut instinct..... to flee...or to close myself off.
Was it worth it? Hell yeah. I think so. At least most days I think it was/is. There are things in life that are worth the risk. And I think this is one of them. For me it is at least. For someone else? Well, that is up to them to decide. It is about timing. And hard work. And effort. And I think it is about luck as well. At the time, I was ready. I was ready to take the risk. And it worked out.
I could do it....I was up for it......so I took the risk. And I keep taking the risks. Why? Because most of the time, it is the hard things that are the most rewarding. Well that, and I am a masochist. So I gravitate to the hard (and painful) things ;)