Spank it Forward

Just recently I made a friend who is pretty new to the kink. She is beginning her spanking journey and filled with questions and insecurities about who she is, what she is...why she is spanko....

The kink has a way of making you look at yourself. Really look.

I used to refer to my own personal exploration as "My spanking journey". I think I need to rephrase that. Exploring the need to be spanked is like exploring any other deep rooted aspect of yourself. It involves taking a look at who you are, where you came from......what makes you....you. And it involves accepting something about yourself that society as a whole finds ammoral or psychologically twisted. Spanking, like all kinks outside the mainstream, are "fringe" needs, making it all the harder to stand on your own, and accept a need in yourself that most others will never accept.

Realizing you have a "kinky" need is the easy part. Accepting that need....accepting yourself for that matter, is the hard part. And it is an ongoing journey theme.

So I am beginning to think the journey really is about growing into yourself.....and the kink is part of it....and so are themes like accepting yourself, listening to yourself and your needs, exploringyour likes and dislikes, your passions and fears.

But it really is about growing into yourself. Getting comfy in your own skin. At least it is for me.

And it has been a long haul, and I fall down alot. Alot.

At times, I feel like I am stuck in some sort of dead end. I make a big step forward only to take two steps back. Unseen landmines are inadvertantly uncovered and stepped on, sending me emotionally reeling, fragmented....damaged. I get tired. I get overwhelmed. I make mistakes, I screw up.....I fall down again.

I watch my new friend and I know where she is. I have been there. Maybe not exactly there, but in a place that is pretty similar. And in trying to support her, I have turned to past writings I have done....scribbled thoughts and insights, so that I could share them with her, if only to show her she isnt alone.

While looking through past writings, logs of past chats, emails to Professor, talks with other kinkster pals, I noticed something. I have changed. In the past two years I have changed. Alot!

If you go back and read some of my earliest emails, or logs of some of my earliest chats, I sound like a teenager. My language, my demeanor.....the rapid fire way I talk....I can almost see myslef bouncing up and down, gesturing animatedly, worried that I am not going to be accepted, or that what I am doing is wrong.....shouting at the top of my lungs in my words and actions, "Am I weird? Why am I like this? Is this okay? Am *I* okay?"

In the earliest part of my journey, my language style almost mirrors my headspace. It is apparent that I am looking for acceptance, affirmation, and limits. I am intense, dramatic and all over the place. This was the time that I was testing constantly, almost begging for rules and structure. For someone to step in and take control.

Truly, I was the "teen angst" spanking cliche, literally attacking this need to figure my kink out....figure myself out...in an erratic and unfocused way. I was unsure, kink-young, "me-young", and very uncomfortable in my own skin.....blindly stumbling along, haphazardly, false starts, short intense spurts.

And then slowly, over time, my language changed. My thoughts become clearer and you can see that I am becoming more confident.... I catch glimpses of a more emotionally "grown up" Naughty One....the one who has started to accept herself.

My demeaner changes. I am not so erratic....my chatting style slows down from a rapid clip to a fast paced trot :) My emails are less angst filled (well okay, I still compose angst filled emails, but not *as* many of them) and are more thoughtful. I am more patient. It is apparant that I am not as "rules driven" and I seem more at peace with myself.

Now dont get me wrong, I am not saying that now I am the pillar of kink confidence or the pillar of "I love and totally accept who I am" type confidence either!

And I still make mistakes (loads of them), I still flail around erratically at times, and I can still feel very alone. And I....most definitely....still fall down. But I just dont seem as.....unfocused and undisciplined. I am not *as* unsure of what I am. Or who I am. And I am well on my way down the road to acceptance.

I see the people who walked with me, both back then, and now. The ones who supported me, listened to me, gently guided me, commiserated with me.... and offered a strong arm to help pick me up when I fell down.

Sometimes it is good to go back and gain perspective. To stop and turn around and see where you have been before moving on to the next event. It is good for the soul.

And it is good for the ones coming after you. The ones just starting out. The ones standing at the beginning of the trail, burdens heavy on their backs, staring down the long path, the road to unknown....thinking "What the hell do I do now?"

"L" wrote something called Journey Dreams not long ago that impacted me. It is about the journey. And the realization that there are people who have been there before her. Before us. Before my new friend. And although their journeys are different, they are only different by a little. They have had similar thoughts, worries, inner conflicts. They have fallen down and gotten up...only to fall down again.

And she writes about passing it on, making the road a little bit easier for the next person. Walking with them a bit, sharing their load, letting them know they are not alone, because they have been down this road before. A sort of Spank it Forward, if you will?

"This guy's walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!" and the friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."

Yeah. Like that.