Spanking Acceptance and Enjoyment
The realization that I am a spanko led me on a journey to accept my kink and all that it entailed. Being someone who is a strong type A personality in most aspects of my life, I have had a hard time accepting that there is a part of me that is very submissive.
I have also had a hard time accepting the fact that I enjoy pain. Even now, I have difficulty admitting it outloud. I think spanking is a good kind of pain. Now dont get me wrong, I have had spankings that have been very painful, and definitely *not* a good kind of pain, but even those left me, in the end, feeling swoony because they meet a deep need of mine, albeit a psycholological need, the need for punishment.
But the average hard, sound, spanking that I get on a regular basis and the pain that results from it..... is a good kind of pain. I would never get a root canal at the dentist without a novacaine, but I have no problem and actually enjoy being spanked with a hand or paddle or hairbrush or belt or cane....or whatever.... until I am gasping and wriggling, my bottom extremely sore. The spanking is a good kind of pain, and the root canal is not.
I do not derive pleasure from pain in general, like a root canal...... only pain received under the pretext of authority. According to wikipedia, I am a masochist. Yeah, that's a hard word to say for me. I like the word "spanko" better. It just sounds less....icky. Pedantically speaking, I guess I would say I am a "spanko" (enjoy spankings) under the umbrella term "masochist" (enjoys pain given by authority) who craves "discipline" (my behavior is controlled by rules and punishment).
For me, accepting that I have a need to submit to an authority figure, that I enjoy the pain of a spanking, and that I crave being controlled by rules and/or the threat of punishment....well, it has been a long road. Figuring out the basic framework for what I am didnt really do anything but give me something to call myself.....and even that is fluid.....the labels change....evolve. (The more actual experience as a spankee I get, coupled with the more time Professor and I have to get to know each other, has lead me to continually fine tune my definition of "what I am" in the kink).
True acceptance was elusive.
Enjoying pain is not "normal". By its very nature, pain is the body's physiological response to something it perceives as damaging, ie. body tissue is being hurt in some way, like the pain you feel when you touch a hot stove. The pain is the body's way of saying, move away, that is causing damage.
Yes, I do understand that pain is associated with pleasure and tied in some way to the release of endorphins and blah blah blah, but those facts do not change that I like having my bare bottom spanked. Hard. Physiologically, I dont need someone to spank me in order to get an endorphine rush.....I could just as easily run 4 miles.....but I dont get the same satisfaction. And it isnt anywhere near as fun.
There is the psychological/emotional aspect....."the whole scene" associated with the spanking dynamic. I enjoy pain when it is inflicted by a stern, controlling, authority figure. And I actually enjoy watching Professor's transformation from a caring, funny, expressive guy to the cold, very demanding and controlling man who spanks me for his pleasure and punishes me when I need it. Yeah. Now that still has the potential to mess with my head a bit if I allow it to.
And although I had sought out other spankees/subs/bottoms so that I didnt feel alone in my "weirdness", in the back of my mind, there still was the little voice that constantly whispered "well, they may suffer from the need...the same affliction that you suffer from...but it still doesnt mean you just arent *all* weird and weak".
The weakness/needy aspect. I have had a really difficult time with that as well. Even if I was able to manage to accept my spanko-ness, and fulfill the need, it didnt answer the question: what did the Spanker get out of it?
I was the one being cared for in the relationship, I was the one getting the attention and comfort, and it was my needs that we seemed to be focus on as we struggled to figure out what I wanted/needed.
I "knew" intuitively what I was looking for in the abstract: An escape from "selfhood". I needed an outlet, one outlet in my life to escape myself and all that entailed......to give up control....give up my autonomy.....be rid of the ego. I wanted to be humbled and in short, I wanted to submit totally to will of someone else. However, I didnt know "how" to get that and Professor and I spent an inordinate of time determing the "pieces to naughty one's puzzle" in order to give me what I needed as a spanko.
Ironically, it was Professor who helped me finally accept my "spanko-ness" when he recounted his own struggle to accept himself as a sadist. Yes, according to wikipedia's definition, he is a sadist. He enjoys inflicting pain for reasons of punishment and control.
Before we met, I had always focused on the view of the "sufferer"...the emotions and uncertainties of being someone who found pleasure in the pain inflicted by a controlling authority figure. I had never really thought about the guilt or questions or uncertainties, that went along with being the person who found pleasure in doing the actual *inflicting*.
Certainly that is not "normal" either. And yet I saw Professor as a man with morals and principles and a strong set of ethics and who was caring and warm and intelligent and genuine.....and I could go on and on. How was he able to accept this thing.....this spanking thing in himself? He was genuinely at ease with himself while I analyzed and overanalyzed, and worried and fretted.....
Professor, can you tell me what you mean by "The Story of O helped with my understanding of the psychology of accepting submission"?....I don't know what you mean....
It is not that much different than I would guess you are going through. Spanking fantasies, desiring to control a girl, etc are not "normal".
I am a very principled, caring person and always have been. When I was younger, my fantasies seemed to conflict with how I was raised. I did not understand that some girls (girls at the time, now women) *want* to, and even need to, submit, and because I am caring and analytical, I desperately wanted to analyze why I like to inflict punishment.
So, when I was your age I delved into self-analysis. I could not come up with answers as to "why" I was into this. There was no parental figure that I could point to as a reason, no incident where I saw spanking in youth that impacted me, I didn't hate girls and had healthy, normal romantic relationships -I even wondered if it was an extension of my love for volleyball (whacking the ball) - you can see that the deep end was looming and I was heading over it :) - So, I finally had to stop analyzing and just accept that I was born this way.
Reading books like The Story of O also helped. When I realized that are many women who have complimentary desires, which "O" eloquently helped me understand (and the wonderful Internet really confirmed), it resolved the conflict: I could be caring and supportive while still be controlling, demanding, and at selected times, severe - by finding women who want this. "O" was extreme, but by seeing an extreme it made me feel that my desires were not that far out.
I have also had a hard time accepting the fact that I enjoy pain. Even now, I have difficulty admitting it outloud. I think spanking is a good kind of pain. Now dont get me wrong, I have had spankings that have been very painful, and definitely *not* a good kind of pain, but even those left me, in the end, feeling swoony because they meet a deep need of mine, albeit a psycholological need, the need for punishment.
But the average hard, sound, spanking that I get on a regular basis and the pain that results from it..... is a good kind of pain. I would never get a root canal at the dentist without a novacaine, but I have no problem and actually enjoy being spanked with a hand or paddle or hairbrush or belt or cane....or whatever.... until I am gasping and wriggling, my bottom extremely sore. The spanking is a good kind of pain, and the root canal is not.
I do not derive pleasure from pain in general, like a root canal...... only pain received under the pretext of authority. According to wikipedia, I am a masochist. Yeah, that's a hard word to say for me. I like the word "spanko" better. It just sounds less....icky. Pedantically speaking, I guess I would say I am a "spanko" (enjoy spankings) under the umbrella term "masochist" (enjoys pain given by authority) who craves "discipline" (my behavior is controlled by rules and punishment).
For me, accepting that I have a need to submit to an authority figure, that I enjoy the pain of a spanking, and that I crave being controlled by rules and/or the threat of punishment....well, it has been a long road. Figuring out the basic framework for what I am didnt really do anything but give me something to call myself.....and even that is fluid.....the labels change....evolve. (The more actual experience as a spankee I get, coupled with the more time Professor and I have to get to know each other, has lead me to continually fine tune my definition of "what I am" in the kink).
True acceptance was elusive.
Enjoying pain is not "normal". By its very nature, pain is the body's physiological response to something it perceives as damaging, ie. body tissue is being hurt in some way, like the pain you feel when you touch a hot stove. The pain is the body's way of saying, move away, that is causing damage.
Yes, I do understand that pain is associated with pleasure and tied in some way to the release of endorphins and blah blah blah, but those facts do not change that I like having my bare bottom spanked. Hard. Physiologically, I dont need someone to spank me in order to get an endorphine rush.....I could just as easily run 4 miles.....but I dont get the same satisfaction. And it isnt anywhere near as fun.
There is the psychological/emotional aspect....."the whole scene" associated with the spanking dynamic. I enjoy pain when it is inflicted by a stern, controlling, authority figure. And I actually enjoy watching Professor's transformation from a caring, funny, expressive guy to the cold, very demanding and controlling man who spanks me for his pleasure and punishes me when I need it. Yeah. Now that still has the potential to mess with my head a bit if I allow it to.
And although I had sought out other spankees/subs/bottoms so that I didnt feel alone in my "weirdness", in the back of my mind, there still was the little voice that constantly whispered "well, they may suffer from the need...the same affliction that you suffer from...but it still doesnt mean you just arent *all* weird and weak".
The weakness/needy aspect. I have had a really difficult time with that as well. Even if I was able to manage to accept my spanko-ness, and fulfill the need, it didnt answer the question: what did the Spanker get out of it?
I was the one being cared for in the relationship, I was the one getting the attention and comfort, and it was my needs that we seemed to be focus on as we struggled to figure out what I wanted/needed.
I "knew" intuitively what I was looking for in the abstract: An escape from "selfhood". I needed an outlet, one outlet in my life to escape myself and all that entailed......to give up control....give up my autonomy.....be rid of the ego. I wanted to be humbled and in short, I wanted to submit totally to will of someone else. However, I didnt know "how" to get that and Professor and I spent an inordinate of time determing the "pieces to naughty one's puzzle" in order to give me what I needed as a spanko.
Ironically, it was Professor who helped me finally accept my "spanko-ness" when he recounted his own struggle to accept himself as a sadist. Yes, according to wikipedia's definition, he is a sadist. He enjoys inflicting pain for reasons of punishment and control.
Before we met, I had always focused on the view of the "sufferer"...the emotions and uncertainties of being someone who found pleasure in the pain inflicted by a controlling authority figure. I had never really thought about the guilt or questions or uncertainties, that went along with being the person who found pleasure in doing the actual *inflicting*.
Certainly that is not "normal" either. And yet I saw Professor as a man with morals and principles and a strong set of ethics and who was caring and warm and intelligent and genuine.....and I could go on and on. How was he able to accept this thing.....this spanking thing in himself? He was genuinely at ease with himself while I analyzed and overanalyzed, and worried and fretted.....
Professor, can you tell me what you mean by "The Story of O helped with my understanding of the psychology of accepting submission"?....I don't know what you mean....
It is not that much different than I would guess you are going through. Spanking fantasies, desiring to control a girl, etc are not "normal".
I am a very principled, caring person and always have been. When I was younger, my fantasies seemed to conflict with how I was raised. I did not understand that some girls (girls at the time, now women) *want* to, and even need to, submit, and because I am caring and analytical, I desperately wanted to analyze why I like to inflict punishment.
So, when I was your age I delved into self-analysis. I could not come up with answers as to "why" I was into this. There was no parental figure that I could point to as a reason, no incident where I saw spanking in youth that impacted me, I didn't hate girls and had healthy, normal romantic relationships -I even wondered if it was an extension of my love for volleyball (whacking the ball) - you can see that the deep end was looming and I was heading over it :) - So, I finally had to stop analyzing and just accept that I was born this way.
Reading books like The Story of O also helped. When I realized that are many women who have complimentary desires, which "O" eloquently helped me understand (and the wonderful Internet really confirmed), it resolved the conflict: I could be caring and supportive while still be controlling, demanding, and at selected times, severe - by finding women who want this. "O" was extreme, but by seeing an extreme it made me feel that my desires were not that far out.
I am obviously happier when I have a spanking partner who wants what I have to give. I am also happier making my partner happy, whether in a mentor relationship, or as a harsh schoolmaster, or as a stern disciplinarian, or any combination of those. Simply put, I love administering good, sound, make-her-squirm-and-cry spankings, and I love the whole scene. That is enough for me.
Professor has helped me feel "normal". And he has helped me accept my spanko-ness. With him, I don't feel like some weird chick who likes to be treated cruelly, because that would mean he would have to be some horrible man who gets off on being cruel to women. I know that sounds like rather strange logic, but finding the person who derives his own pleasure from giving me what I want....well, it makes my wants/needs seem less.....strange.
We have complimentary desires and we have a Discipline relationship that stems from those desires. By design, our relationship enables both of us to have an outlet, and this outlet allows us to feel complete.....and that goes beyond the definition given by wikipedia.
Am I weird? Maybe. But so what? As a result of my relationship with Professor, I am happier, more grounded, and more comfortable in my own skin. I feel loved, cared for, confident and complete.... and my feelings are indicitive of the fact that what we are doing is right for me.
Simply put, I enjoy being on the receiving end of good, sound, make-me-squirm-and-cry spankings, and I love the whole scene. That should be enough for me. :)
~Naughty One, Don't worry so much. I think your reactions with me in email, in person, the way you feel after seeing me, and your increased happiness and success in life are obvious signs that what we do is right for you. Relax and enjoy what we have and be happy we found each other. I know I am. ~