Its Only Cyber: A Scarytale

**This is not a spanko post but I needed to say this and I needed to put it somewhere and then I can get on with my life.

Once upon a time there was an ordinary spanko girl who was a bit of a super hero in her "Gotham City". She wore a cape and was everyone's "everything" and she was not afraid of anything.

She was the "tough kid"...the funny one...the one who would ride a roller coaster till she puked....the one who never cried....the one who could beat all the boys up. The one who hid behind very tall and formidable walls.

But holding those walls up was very tiring.....and being everybody's "everything" was a lot of pressure for one "not so grown up girl". For the longest time she wanted....needed.....craved....the chance to be able to rest.....and let the walls come down.

So with Professor's help, over time, the girl stepped out from behind some of her walls....tentatively....slowly at first. She learned to be more open.....to be more emotionally expressive. She had to.

She learned how to let people in.....because she *had* to let Professor in.....even just a little bit.

And the girl also wanted to meet other spankos. She wanted to know she wasn't alone. She wanted to be able to talk to other spankees.....to be part of a community. She wanted to meet others like herself, and so she did. She set out.....and with her new found vulnerability, reached out.....and met others.

And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop herself from letting people in. Not totally. Some of her walls had been removed, and from that point on, she would always be vulnerable in her kink. It was part of it.

It was just the way things were. Part of her dynamic with Professor....and part of her outlet.

And so the girl met other spankos in a cyber world and she felt part of something. A community. And over time, she began to care for some of the people she met....in that funny little way that you care for someone in something like this.

And the more time she spent with these people, the more comfortable she felt...the more accepted she felt.....and because she was more open and vulnerable, she let some of them in.

She let some of them in, and that was okay..... or at least so the girl thought, because her new found community was "only cyber" after all.

And it turns out that the girl was wrong. It wasn't okay to let people in. Not okay at all. Because you see, not too long ago, this ordinary spanko, tomboyish type of girl was taken advantage of by someone who was not what they appeared to be. Not what they appeared to be at all.

Not long ago the girl was bitten....by a wolf in sheep's clothing....a she-wolf....and it hurt. And even though the wolf was "only cyber".....it still hurt like a real life hurt.

The girl opened herself up to this.....she-wolf... and she was bitten and it left her feeling like she had been punched in the stomach. Hard.

And so where is this girl now?

Well, the girl is stuck. She is stuck....frozen in a hunched over, bent-in-half sort of crouch while frantically sucking at the air, trying to catch her breath.

And she has one of those really stupid glazed-over sort of looks on her face....the kind of look a person might get after they realize they were just sucker punched.

And so here the girl is.....still frozen in her half crouch. Time has passed and yet the girl hasn't moved and she is still gasping for air.

Why?

She can't seem to recover from the punch.

Because she can't get around the fact that she got sucker punched.

Because she can't get around the fact that she was a SUCKER.

Because her arms were wide open when she took that punch.

Because that may be the worst part of it all.

And because cyber isn't "only cyber". Not really.

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An open letter.

Dear She-Wolf,

Why?

I have tried to understand you. I have tried to understand what you did. But I am at a loss. And I am hurt. And angry. And stunned.

You lied. And you manipulated. You played with people's emotions....their psyches....for your own twisted sense of need. You caused chaos in the lives of those you touched and you did it in the most insidious of ways.....by playing to people's generosity and good will.

I have been told that you suffer from Munchausen Syndrome and I have read up on it, trying to understand....trying to make sense of it all. And you know what? It turns out that there is a real phenomenon called "Munchausen by Internet".

I guess that faking illnesses and problems online to gain sympathy is more common than I thought. But it doesn't make me feel any less of a sucker.

I have done the reading though. And I have learned as much as any one person should ever know about Munchausen Syndrome:

I have learned that it is a way to get attention. Fakers use it as a way to gain sympathy......a way to control others.

I learned that Fakers suffer from a compulsion and that "regardless of the strength of the overwhelmingly large amount of evidence to the contrary, a person with Munchausen's will vehemently deny any wrong doing..." (click on quote to read more from Dr. Marc Feldman)

I have learned that the internet is a perfect platform for Fakers like you.

I have learned that it is a rush, an addiction of sorts....to surround yourself in drama. An orchestration of your own personal little pity party I guess.

I have learned all about the disorder, and all about the psychology behind it. And I have also learned all about the havoc that it can wreak on the people around you.

I have learned that your victims are often left feeling betrayed when the lies are discovered.

I have learned that victims refer to the damage done by people like you as "emotional rape".

I have learned that your lies can ruin a community.

I have learned that your lies can break the spirit of trust and caring.

I have done a lot of research and learned a great deal about Munchausen. You would think I would be able to make sense of things or at least be able to understand you now. But I don't.

You already took all the empathy and caring from me that you will ever get and it ends now. I am not allowing you access to me anymore.

To be honest, I don't care. I don't care about your disorder, why you are the way you are or what drives you to do what you do. I don't want to understand and I don't feel any empathy toward you. I don't feel much of anything these days except the gasping, wheezing feeling that doesn't seem to want to go away.

You manipulated me. You preyed on my emotions and you used my own vulnerabilities against me. You preyed upon my good nature and my generous heart and you took more than I could give.

You used me. You betrayed me. And as a result, I am suffering.

I have had to put up walls.....pull myself away....in order to heal.

I got suckered by you.

I am humiliated.

I am hiding.

I am less likely to sympathize.

I am more likely to be suspicious.

I am walled away from the people that are important to me in the kink, my community.

I am walled away from the people that I need the most.

I have put up the walls that now keep me from the people I care about.... because of you.

I am changed.... because of you.

I am all these things.....I am changed.....I am walled away....... because of YOU.

And I hate you.

~Little Red Riding Hood

***Click here for more information about Munchausen Syndrome and Munchausen by Internet.