How Can I Say Sorry

I am in trouble again... and really huge, scary kind of trouble, so I am preoccupied with the resulting upcoming punishment.

I wonder when it was that punishment became more about disappointing Professor than about the spanking itself. The respect and closeness...this caring about what he thinks sort of crept up on me.

In the beginning, it really was about exploring my need for spanking. Although we had established early on that I wanted more than just a spanko partner... that I wanted a Mentor/Disciplinarian...in the beginning, well, it was more roleplay than real.

When did it change I wonder?

The severity of a punishment spanking hasn't changed...it still hurts and will most definitely hurt on Wednesday. The lengthy Professorish lecture hasn't changed either...I know the drill... I can even hear his voice in my head as I type this.

I guess I have changed... *We* have changed.

There is this awful lump in my throat. It has been there since I called him to confess, and I can't seem to get rid of it. It isn't there out of fear... or anticipation of the spanking I will receive. Wednesday's punishment will hurt, and I deserve it...afraid or not. Really, the lump has nothing to do with the spanking at all.

I care what he thinks. A lot. And I screwed up. A lot.

When did it stop being an elaborate spanko roleplay?

I don't know, but it did... slowly... subtly... and now punishment isn't about the spanking anymore. Not really.

I am in trouble again... and really huge, scary kind of trouble, so I am preoccupied with the resulting upcoming punishment. How will I find the words to say I am sorry for what I did?

When I look up at him, when I look into his eyes...how can I say I am sorry for worrying him... for disappointing him... for making such a big mistake... with this big lump in my throat?

I really can't seem to get rid of it.